I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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