BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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