i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
