I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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