Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
