we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
