There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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