Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
