Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
