Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
