I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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