Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you didnt know i had herpes?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
