Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
