how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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