i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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