Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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