Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
