Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
