my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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