Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
