According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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