You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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