just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
