Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
