How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
