Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
