Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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