I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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