i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
