there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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