I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
