We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
