When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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