I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
