I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
