hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
