she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
