Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My penis needs a shock collar
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize