Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
