Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
