Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
