I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
