I only kidnapped one of them. chill
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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