I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
