I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
