i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
