A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
