Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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