I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
