How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
