I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
