apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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