You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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