his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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