you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
