I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
