U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We named our party play list daddy issues
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Randomize
