I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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