my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We talked him into tasing himself.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
