We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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