I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Randomize
