woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think i got beer on your cat.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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