I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
