Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
