Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
